Ambitions

Just another rainy afternoon in Madras, I am home having an apple, in front of my computer searching for some nice movie to add to my "Hey I have watched that, its good" collection and to think of ways I could have made the film look better. I have got nothing else to do, feels so good I am here, that too after all those days in Bangalore. It used to be a lot more different during my internship a year ago, most of the days were fun. I would wait to get out of the place in the evening to go meet my circle of friends, or set up a date with my girl and take her to some expensive restaurant or just a walk down the M.G. Road or just an ice cream at Corner House. Things were very different at the work station too, there always was a scope for me to learn and do stuff and that I was working on some hi-fi technology and that I was given the whole responsibility of building the stuff from scrap, every thing was exciting 'bout the project. But now, work life sucks I get out of office having nothing to do at home either. life's become mechanical. I wish to spice up my life and when I think of ideas, I am not able to narrow in on one. I have a lot of passions, wait I think I am passionate 'bout those things. Photography, movie making, maths & physics and lots of other things. There would have been a point of time in life when every guy whose employed in a software company feels this way about his life, that he is leading a mechanical life and that he needs a break and that if he works for a couple of more years or switch a couple of more companies he can get a job abroad and that he can earn lots and finally there will come this time when he can do all that he ever wanted to ! cool !!! Truth is with time you forget about your passions at least until you raise a kid and then when everything comes back to you, he is there to do what you have always wanted to ! Or when you are there where you wanted to be, suddenly you really don't know what you wanted to do because you are way beyond the point where you wanted things for yourself and now you want things for others, call it maturity or responsibility you have lost your identity. Now that I have taken my readers a little too off-track, the question is how many of us get to do what they really want to in life. But for that we need to know what we want in the first place. I remember the first time I got introduced to the word "Ambition", my aunt once asked what my Ambition was, can you believe it, a five year old being taunted with such a question. poor me I did not know what the word meant and I was blinking for some time then, ingenious me, I came up with an answer,I said P.S.Senior Secondary School!.I crossed my finger hoping I got it right. Sitting next to me was my cousin, she was a year younger to me then, bright(er) one though answered she wanted to be a doctor, and her reply left me even more puzzled. What did I want to be ? I decided okay 'Doc' sounds cool but my "cool" feeling went off as soon as I heard my brother say that he wanted to be an 'Engineer'. I decided I had had enough so I decided to call the interview session off, I ran across the hall crying. My brother was taken aback when he saw how sad it makes me to see an engineer in him, he took up commerce in his high school. Though I had at the tender age of five was able to shape to my brother's career in such a fashion, have not been able to shape my own life into a something. From that day to this I have not understood what the meaning of ambition is. At different point of time I have wanted to be different people. I remember how all I wanted in my life was a well and pulley to pull out water when I saw this picture in my EVS textbook. A guy who smokes sitting in a chair with the worlds funkiest lighter, the LPG guy, Auto rikshaw driver, the Mahout , cattle rancher, Discovery Channel Photographer and a million other "The person to be" have been on my list. And to this day I have been just thotak who has not figured out what I want to be and is what I am because of a million other things and me!